How to tell a child about divorce and survive this period? Psychologist tips
For both women and men, divorce is stress, during this period a lot changes in the lives of both. A child survive divorce parents even more difficult: his little head is visited by various thoughts that frighten him. To find out how easier it is to survive a divorce, and to know what and how to tell a child, read this article.
How to say about divorce?
Shocks acquired in childhood can have very unpleasant consequences in the future, and the divorce of mothers and fathers is one of the most difficult circumstances that children experience with great difficulty. What exactly to say to tell a child about a divorce is a difficult problem, but very important, which should be taken more than seriously and responsibly.
A huge mistake of parents is to try to hide from the baby what is happening in the family. Most parents believe that a small child is not able to understand the situation. Thus, adults want to protect the baby.
This opinion is absolutely wrong. The child feels your mood and sees the tension of your relationship much more than you imagine. DFor a child, understatement is a reason to think that the current situation is even worse than it is. Baby can to close and begin to feel guilty, and this should not be allowed.
Go at least to the temporary world, invite the child to the dialogue and explain to him that the parents can no longer communicate well with each other. Do not blame each other. Tell us that the father must move, but will always visit you as soon as the baby wants it. Be sure to emphasize that the child is not to blame for anything, that mom and dad do not disagree with him, but with each other. Communicate with your baby more often, constantly talk about your strong love for him, so that he is calm.
But remember that information must be dosed. Telling of your troubles, do not open the soul and do not tell the details. There is no need to recognize any real motives for him, since he may not understand them. state everything simply and extremely clear.
The conversation that the parents should have with the child when they decide to leave is very important. The content of the information that parents want to communicate to their child at the time of the dissolution of the marriage is important. The message may be as follows: "We decided to get a divorce, but despite this, we remain your mom and dad, and we still love you very much."
The kid, having heard such news (of course, if it is genuine), will stop worrying and will be able to continue to live in peace without being involved in conflicts between parents that are dangerous and unhealthy for him.
For information on how to talk with your child about divorce, see the following video, where the child psychologist Natalia Barlozhetskaya describes in detail the tactics of the conversation.
How to survive a divorce from her husband?
We need to realize what is happening. Changes will happen in your life, it will leave the once dear and beloved person. But you will stay, and this is important. You had a life before marriage, with your interests, friends and fans, a life full of colors and impressions? This is just a small change that will attract new adventures in your life.
Dissolution of marriage - the strongest stress, but not the end of life. No matter how bad it is, it is necessary to endure a difficult time in order to gain fresh strength and begin a new stage in life.
Find a positive. Write in the notebook all the benefits derived from parting. Absolutely any: night walks, new acquaintances, the ability to commit a crazy act, now, because no one limits you in any way. In marriage, you had to make concessions, and now you can feel full freedom and independence.
Allow yourself to be weak. You have a hard time: being angry, upset and feeling sorry for yourself is natural. Do not try to suppress these emotions, otherwise they may manifest in the form of diseases and troubles. Speak out your condition with words: “I get upset and offended because ...” and explain, because of what. Pronounced experiences will become easier and eventually disappear.
Throw out all the negative. Do not be angry, and certainly not revenge. Everything comes back to us, and you are going to live happily. To defuse emotions, an active way of life, say, a reasonable extreme, will be the best way. It will be very good if you express what you feel and experience to your former spouse. So, according to Gestalt psychology, you complete the event, and your thoughts will not bring you back to a traumatic situation.
Imagine the future. Let you now is not very good, but soon it will definitely get better. Remember the long-experienced troubles: in those situations you thought that it would not be any worse, but everything was always getting better and better. That will be the same after the divorce. Concentrate on the good, imagine that everything is over, try to experience joyful feelings. This will speed up the adaptation process.
Love only yourself. In marriage, you took care of the whole family, you had to restrain yourself in something. Now do everything just for yourself. More often, allow yourself all sorts of amenities, forget about your duty and duty.
Summarize Understand without emotion, because of what happened divorce. Do not blame anyone, look at him and at yourself from an unbiased side. Draw conclusions - this will help in the future not to make the same mistakes.
Keep on living! There is a lot of reasons to rejoice, walk, meet with friends. Let life go its course, and you will again be open to new relationships. Or maybe you will have another dream?
If there is a joint child
Before the divorce, the whole family was together, now everything is wrong. Prevailing feelings of loneliness and regret. The usual way of life has changed. Regardless of the age and gender of the baby, you should definitely talk to him, perhaps more than once, to try to explain the changes in family relationships, and under no circumstances leave the baby alone with himself.
Probably, at this moment it will be clear how to transfer the divorce from the husband, if there are children. It is unacceptable to limit the communication of a father with a child - having lost the status of a husband, he is still a dad. The kid can decide for himself whether he will contact his father, who is for him the strongest, the most intelligent, the most beautiful. Particularly noteworthy is the time of delineation of responsibilities for child care, especially if the child is too small and does not realize what happened. When Dad visits the child, he should have only one goal - to visit the baby. I mean that mom should not even be allowed to think to dad that he can count on something more.
You are not alone. Millions of couples divorced, and the girls re-became wives, started a family, and their life acquired a new meaning. Believe me, your sadness is not the worst thing in the world, and it can be overcome.
Best to forgive and let go. There was a marriage, he created grounds for various emotions and experiences, but due to objective circumstances the family is no more. Try to forget all the bad things and leave, and remember the good moments and save. A new life must begin with a positive past.
Experience new feelings. After parting, life is filled with a vacuum, which is not immediately easy to fill. All the old, remaining from the former husband, gradually dies away, the surviving can cause pain. Try to fill this vacuum with something new, accomplish what you have long wanted. New impressions will crowd out old thoughts, so you need a maximum of positive in order to quickly forget everything.
Start keeping a diary. And every day try to write into it all the pleasant moments that are happening to you. Even if this is a trifle - just eaten chocolate. It is important that you see how wonderful life is, there are many happy moments in it and there is a place for pleasant discoveries.
How to survive a divorce with his wife in the presence of a child?
Divorce is a test that can have varying degrees of severity. It all depends on the reasons that led to the divorce. It is much harder to experience separation psychologically if there is a child. And a divorce in the absence of children is much easier.
Most often, when a family breaks up, children stay with their mother. Thus, at the same time, the husband lost both the woman and the baby, who can now only occasionally visit. With an adult child everything is much easier, his mind will not be subjected to such a serious burden. If there are several small children in the family, parents need to behave very delicately.
Although under what circumstances it is necessary to prevent the relationship with children spoiled. It is recommended to avoid involving children in the topic of divorce. It is necessary to reasonably resolve the issue of joint education of children. It is also important that children understand that this situation has not changed your relationship. Most likely, it will not be possible to avoid painful emotions for both the baby and the teenager, but it is possible to alleviate this condition as much as possible.
It is necessary to recognize the already accomplished divorce. A man should absolutely accept him and not protest him even in the shower. Try to avoid frequent loneliness. Immediately after the divorce, men are especially in dire need of an interlocutor. I advise you to talk not only about events, but also about experiences about them.
Alcohol abuse is unacceptable. A small dose will help to relax, but frequent drinking only hurts. Try to maintain a normal relationship with your ex-wife, this will prevent possible problems in the future. You should not go to extremes, nor blame yourself or anyone. A new hobby will be a great way to distract yourself. A visit to a professional psychoanalyst would also be helpful.
How to help the child during this period?
Try to communicate more often with children at this time, try to know their anxieties, do not refuse to answer questions, despite the fact that you have already answered them.
If the baby does not ask anything, try to start a conversation, especially if you can see that the child has changed his behavior. The kid, forced to overcome his own experiences alone, suffers much more than a child who openly expresses his feelings.
Affectionately and lovingly constantly convince the child that he is loved and will be loved, that he will be able to continue to communicate with the father (only if it is true) that he is not guilty, etc. The child must understand that you and the former spouse are now friends, Do not tease your baby and dad against each other. Do not expose the child to the choice - with whom it is preferable to be; make your own decision - who is able to surround your common child with attention and care.
Divide the circle of responsibility: for example, the ex-husband (wife) walks somewhere with a child on weekends, makes shopping with him.You - learn lessons with your baby, meet from school.
In this difficult time you need to be especially attentive and patient. The child may become more dependent on the mother, strive to spend all the time with her, can be capricious and tearful, enuresis, violent impulses are possible. If the child is not provided with appropriate support and response to his emotions, the appearance of neurotic symptoms (enuresis, aggression, depression, nervous ticking, recession in development) is possible. All this means that the baby’s consciousness cannot cope without help, and his experiences are too strong.
What if the baby is very worried?
Many mothers and fathers are counting on the fact that the child will not become very anxious because of the dissolution of the marriage, and everything will pass smoothly for him. Perceiving their desires for reality, they do not pay attention to how the child is going through. It is difficult to understand, but we must understand that the separation of the spouses is tolerated by children very painfully.
During a divorce and after it, anxiety may increase in a child:
- fear of losing mom (dad);
- fear that his parents no longer love him;
- aggression: arises from feelings of loyalty and loneliness. Aggression can undergo both mom and dad;
- The child blames himself for what is happening.
It is impossible the lack of reaction of a healthy child to what is happening in the house, he will still feel anxiety and worry. Outwardly, he may be calm and indifferent, but his inner state will be disturbing.
Having decided to divorce, try to take into account the interests of children, do not be fooled by blinding emotions.
Normally, after suffering a divorce, the relationship between the child and mom and dad should be without conflict. His communication with dad is not a trifle, and he has the right to love both.
The child must be aware that he is not abandoned by his father, that he will always come to the kindergarten for the holidays, congratulate him on his birthday or just walk with him. Express yourself carefully about your ex-husband (wife). Do not use curses and accusations. For a baby, a father with a mother is himself, so by insulting your ex-husband, you are insulting the kid himself.
Boys, brought up without a dad, do not understand how to behave like men. Because of this, they unknowingly arrogate to themselves the reaction of the female type. Girls also need to communicate with dad, it gives them knowledge about the opposite field.
A child growing up without a father lacks male attention. Therefore, if possible, allow your father to fill the gap in male communication.
New relationships and whether the stepfather can take the place of the Pope?
When a new family is formed, the child again begins to experience a divorce. But this may provide a new opportunity. No matter how well the relationship between the father and the child develops, it is still not enough at home.
Often, mothers believe that in such a situation, the native father loses his authority; now there is already a “other father” in the house who takes care of them and is always there. You need to understand, no one will replace the native dad. Do not prohibit the blood father to communicate with the baby, for a child is a close person.
Mom and Dad, of course, love their child for the fact that it is their child, their little one. As usual, his stepfather fails to experience such love: he has other feelings, he is not familiar with the child from birth.
You need to be prepared that the process of their adaptation to each other can be difficult and lengthy.
If you noticed that the baby does not want to come closer, consider: maybe not enough time has passed after parting with his native dad. “Meet, this is my friend, Sergey. We will live together, you need to call him "Dad." It is not surprising if the baby goes into deep defense.
Do not allow the stepfather to intervene in the educational process before a certain time. The establishment of prohibitions, the execution of punishments, even a rude remark - all this can contribute to the fact that the child will resist and take offense. So you will achieve submission, but not respect, let alone love. He has to get used to and become attached to another person; this may take a long time.
If the new lover has managed to earn the love of the mother, then it is also important for him to earn the love of the baby.
Mom's knowledge of the interests, habits, baby's favorite activities is the key to get to know the child better, which she should provide to her stepfather.
Do not try in such a situation to throw out from the memory of a child his past: he has a father, and he also needs him.
It is also important that the native father understands that the mother has a new husband, and the child has a new “father”.
Watch the following video, in which psychologist Elena Gromova talks about many important points of a conversation with a crumb.