What to do if a woman wants, but is afraid to have a second child


There are sensitive topics that are not openly discussed. We talk about them in a whisper, and not with every girlfriend. Fear of repeated delivery is just such a topic. The first baby grew up, it became much easier to manage with him, everything is fine at home, the husband loves, and the woman’s heart is not in place. I want a second child and prickly. The fear of repeated childbirth literally paralyzes, does not allow to think freely and breathe deeply. Worst of all, if relatives and friends "press down" on a woman, if her husband is in a hurry to make a decision.

Why are women afraid of new births?

The first pregnancy and the first birth for a woman is like a game "blindly." She accepts all the changes occurring in her body, for granted, poorly imagines what awaits her in the delivery room. Of course, there is always a crowd who want to share experiences: friends, relatives, and many unknown moms from the all-knowing Internet talk about their births. Therefore, the pregnant woman approaches the decisive day with a solid, albeit completely useless, baggage of knowledge. Why useless? Because every birth is unique, any obstetrician-gynecologist will confirm this.

When the question arises of conceiving and carrying a second baby, the woman is already well aware of exactly what awaits her. Therefore, often not in a hurry to join the ranks of re-pregnant. She physically remembers feelings associated with childbirth, and therefore her mind, reproducing them, triggers the mechanism of fear.

Most women believe that their first birth was difficult. In fact, this is not always the case. They were “hard” to understand an inexperienced and unprepared girl. The expectations of the pregnant woman were not justified, since the painful sensations, even with perfectly normal births, turned out to be stronger than those described by the friends. It was the mismatch of expectations that gave rise to fear, which now makes it difficult to decide on a second pregnancy.

If the first child really “gave up” with great difficulty (there was a weakness of labor forces, the process had to be stimulated, the child was weak and needed resuscitation, there were postpartum complications, the birth was protracted), the woman feels defenseless, that she was scared.

Another reason for fear is the rude and inattentive medical staff of the hospital. If a woman is faced with such an attitude toward herself in the first birth, there is little likelihood that she will want to experience it again.

When a woman says, "I’m afraid have a second child! ”, Behind this fear can be covered something else. There are specific fears associated with unpleasant emotions experienced during the first birth. Unwillingness to undress in front of outsiders, a sense of loss of control over the situation (this affects the ladies who are accustomed to control everything and everyone), as well as other people's stories that the woman had heard enough in the hospital ward from other pregnant women.

Even if your firstborn was born healthy and strong, you must have heard or seen other examples in the maternity hospital. The very prospect of enduring and giving birth to a sick child greatly undermines the morale of women, and the most impressionable generally refuse to give birth to children for precisely this reason.

With me in the hospital lay a 40-year-old woman who unsuccessfully made six IVF. She managed to get pregnant only for the seventh time. Born twins - girls. In order not to risk, the doctors performed a cesarean section, and mom did not see the children. They were not brought either this day or the next. A pediatrician on the second day reported that one girl had cerebral edema and congenital blindness.The second girl was born with Down syndrome. Mom refused both daughters and left the hospital alone. When I told this story to my friend, who gathered for IVF, she seriously thought about whether it is worth doing this procedure and still cannot decide on it ... As you can see, negative stories, even transmitted through second or third hands they have a monstrous force of conviction and fear of pathologies in a baby is settled in the soul of a woman.

And another reason why women are afraid to give birth to a second child. The average modern mommy is an energetic, working woman, who for various reasons has strongly undermined "faith in a strong shoulder." And considering the question of the birth of the second, she necessarily scrolls in her head option for the case, what would happen if the husband (with whom so far so good) leaves the family? Will she be able to feed and raise two children alone? Such reasoning I heard many times. And when asked if the spouse gave a reason to consider him unreliable, the answer is usually negative. But, as they say moms, better safe than sorry ... And if a woman comes to the conclusion that her income for two offspring is not enough, she often refuses to give birth again.

Among the reasons for concern among women, reflecting on the possibility of having a second child, social conditions are not the least important. The housing problem, the level of family income, the availability of outstanding loans, and the fear of "being dragged into a home quagmire." Yes, yes, just so said one happy mother of a three-year-old toddler. It would seem that the diaper-feeding every three hours, the sleepless nights, the inability to leave the house farther around the corner, and all over again? But what about the profession, diploma with honors, dreams of a brilliant career?

As we can see, the main reason for the appearance of fears of repeated childbirth is a negative experience gained for the first time. Is there really nothing you can do about it? Can. And even need. Let's try together to get rid of their fears.

In the next video, a family psychologist gives an answer to one of the types of fear discussed above.

How to beat fear?

  • Stop reading negative stories on the Internet, isolate from people who undermine your faith in yourself and sow doubts! If you really want to have a second child, anyone's opinions on this matter have no meaning. You give birth to yourself, and repeated childbirth is solely your own business.
  • If fear is associated with physical sensations, try to convince yourself that the past experience is the past, that it will not happen again. The second and subsequent delivery will not be similar to the first. Adjust yourself to easy childbirth, because you already know how to behave in the delivery room, so you will not lose control over the situation.

There is a great exercise for getting rid of fears. Sit back, relax, imagine a quiet and calm lake, marina. You stand on it and see off everything that scares you. First you put a fat doctor with an evil face (fear of the maternity hospital medical staff) into the boat, then accompany the hand to the lame and unpleasant dwarf (fear of having a sick child). All people who instil in you fear of childbirth, as well as fear of pain, loneliness, etc., should go to the boat. Imagine images for them yourself. Present them in as much detail as possible. When all the “passengers” are in the boat, untie the rope and wave after them. This exercise can be done every time something starts to scare you. Anxiety levels will begin to decline. You will feel it from the first days of practice.

  • If you are already pregnant, and you are tormented by fears of childbirth, more often imagine what the baby looks like inside you. What are his beautiful hands and legs, as he already knows how to smile. The main idea that you must endure, as well as your child, is “My task is to help this miracle to be born. If not me, then who? ”
  • Take a survey before making a decision about re-pregnancy. Let the doctors dissolve your doubts, proving and showing you that your health allows you to safely endure and give birth to the baby.
  • If you once faced with the rudeness of the medical staff of the hospital, in advance, find another medical facility. The birth certificate, which is issued to pregnant women in consultation, allows the woman to choose the clinic where she intends to give birth. Read reviews about the hospital, try to learn about it as much as possible.
  • The eaves before the possible birth of a sick child is most difficult to overcome. In this you should rely on the opinions of doctors. Prenatal screenings now allow for small terms to establish the risks of having children with a number of genetic disorders - Down syndrome and Edwards syndrome, fetal neural tube defects. You can visit genetics, such a specialist is in any family planning center. He will give a rough estimate of your gene pool with your husband and warn you if there are any concerns.

Often, the question of having a second child comes up to a woman after a long break between childbirth, and the age of the expectant mother becomes a frightening factor. Yes, the risks of giving birth to sick children in women over the age of 35 increase significantly. But this does not mean that every second child of the late generation is born with pathologies.

For example, I personally, at 38 years old, had only 1: 2300 risk of having a child with Down syndrome as a result of the first screening. That is, one of the 2300 children born to women of my age, with all the attendant features of my body, would be sick. As you can see, the risk is small. And do not be afraid.

If you cannot cope with the fear of the birth of a sick baby, seek help from specialists. A psychologist will help to understand the nature of your fear, and will suggest ways to overcome it.

If you are afraid of the prospect of “getting stuck” at home and losing your chances of building a career, it is useful to remember that childhood is a short time, it will pass quickly. A career is not going anywhere if you are a really good specialist. You can work in the decree, as I do. In order not to relax the brain, read books, be aware of events, engage in self-education, you can do it with two kids, and with three or more. It would be the desire!

Choose for yourself a pretty image of a successful mom who does a lot and always keep it in front of your eyes. This could be the children's ombudsman Anna Kuznetsova (mother of six children!), Angelina Jolie (mother of six karapuz!), Margaret Thatcher (mother of twins), actress Chulpan Khamatova (mother of three children) ... There are many examples. You have all the same qualities of character as the "star" moms - caring, attention to loved ones, their talents, abilities, knowledge and, most importantly, unlimited love for children! So, everything will turn out well!

Her personal experience in the next video is shared by Elena BERG.

Information provided for reference purposes. Do not self-medicate. At the first symptoms of the disease, consult a doctor.